Holiday Disruptor

In therapy, truth rules, and as a therapist I’ve learned over the years that many, many people (though not all) feel ungrounded and unsatisfied during the holidays.

I’ve never really loved the holidays. I’ll choose a mundane Monday over the energy of the holiday season. Even as a little kid, the incongruence between people saying this was the best time of year and my body sensing chaos, stress, feelings of inadequacy and pressure around me, never sat well with me. I don’t like fake things and something felt fake. People are always shocked when I tell them I wasn’t genuinely into Christmas as a kid. I was ashamed of that truth for a while but no longer.

I pretended.

My sister would wake me up very early each Christmas, she was pumped to see what Santa brought, and I’d go along with it. Secretly though, the day never brought me that authentic excitement as much as other more typical days did. I’ve yet to meet another person who felt that way as a child. It’s weird, I know and I own it.

Don’t worry I’m committed to not being a grinch so I won’t pull down your holiday vibe, I promise. I fully support other people’s holiday enthusiasm even if I don’t share it. If you light up this time of year I will fully appreciate your glow!

Over time I went from pretending to like the holidays, to admitting I didn’t love them, to eventually creating a whole new holiday energy so I can celebrate in a grounded genuine way. Through my self-discovery I’ve learned that I am not a traditional person, even though I spent most of my life insisting, “I’m a very traditional person.”

One Christmas Eve many years ago, I felt a huge wave of liberation when I decided to give my kids, quite young at the time, Annie’s mac and cheese for dinner instead of forcing myself into the elaborate meal I grew up with. It was a big hit! They were thrilled as it was a rare treat at the time, even if it came from a box. I got to enjoy some amazing Asian takeout and a clean kitchen.

Another year, when I hosted my family, I decided to do it my way: no china, no fancy dessert. I bought a teal tablecloth because it’s my favorite color and finally realized I didn’t have to stick to red and green. I bought bright orange cloth napkins, and the whole table felt vibrant, casual, and totally me. Make-your-own brownie sundaes for dessert were a huge hit.

I chilled out instead of stressing. I let the gathering reflect who I am, and how I want to host. Everyone was happy. Nobody missed the china or the traditional menu.

Creating my own way of celebrating the holidays became a quiet act of self-love.

I remember sharing my holiday liberation story on a Zoom call with classmates at the time, and people were genuinely excited and inspired. I got private messages, claps, the whole thing. My holiday liberation lit people up. Some had already found their own personal holiday groove while others were realizing they could customize their holiday celebrations as well.

Even if you love the holidays and honor every tradition with care, there may still be tiny, meaningful ways to make sure you’re celebrating in a way that truly aligns with you, not in a conditioned, automatic way, but in a 100% true to you sort of way.

If your celebration matches exactly what feels right for you it’s worth honoring that.

As we continue deepening our relationship with ourselves and learning to love our own unique ways, even something as simple as how we celebrate the holidays can become another opportunity to deepen that connection.

Self-love involves writing your own rules.

Self-love involves learning to release inner pressure to conform.

And when you begin to appreciate yourself more, you will naturally start creating your own rules.

First step? Notice which rules you are following that you never consciously chose.

Below is a story I wrote a few months ago, now ready to share with you. As I share it, I realize that all of my writing seems to circle back to one central theme: learn to be yourself, learn to care for yourself. All roads lead back to this.

Wishing you a grounded, authentically satisfying holiday season.

Julia

The Disruptor

“Julia, did it ever occur to you how out of sync you were with the rest of the group?” She asked with judgement in her eyes, and a glare that felt like a dagger rather than curiosity.

My “mentor’s” judgemental glare became familiar over the coming months. Our checks-ins, which were intended to provide me with a space to receive support as I went through this deep intuitive development program, became a container for her to judge me. I wasn’t like her or the others and she couldn’t stand that about me.

My energy was soaring as I was going through the first lighting bolt phase of my awakening and she made sure I knew that she felt I was “too hyper.”

“Yes, I did.” I replied to her question about me being out of sync with the group.

She probed asking me to share what I noticed.

“I was feeling really happy and soaring with energy and the others seemed to be really down and struggling.”

At that out-of-sync time I told the group my truth as I sat in my car joining the zoom room from our family Story Land getaway.

“I feel like my life is just beginning! I feel like I’m high and I take no drugs or alcohol, I’m completely sober but feel high. I dance all the time. I have so much energy. It’s hard to contain and it’s crazy!”

It was 100% true and honest. At that moment in my life I was buzzing with a tremendous amount of energy that was hard to handle yet thrilling at the same time.

I was one of the first to share in the class and soon after my update it became clear that the others in the group were tearful, depressed, and feeling lost. My soaring high joy was an obvious contrast.

Over time my body began to reject her “advice” and I’d shake and tremble in response to the density of her fear energy. I realized she wasn’t a mentor in a traditional sense, the one I’ve always hoped for. She wasn’t able to help me with clear support. Instead she provided me with an opportunity to choose if I’d trust myself over her. Would I diminish myself to obtain her validation and approval? Or would I start the new path in a more public way of trusting myself and validating myself?

Looking back, her rejection opened the door for me to become my own mentor for the first time.

One day in our “support group” I shared with people how sad I was feeling. I was starting to feel more disconnected from the outside world, society didn’t make sense to me anymore, loneliness was setting in. I was in the depths of deep energetic healing. Vulnerably I shared my feelings between tears with the group.

My “mentor's” response? “Julia, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop for you.” A smug look of satisfaction appeared and she seemed relieved to know that I was now in pain, no longer soaring with joy.

My body shook violently.

The healing journey is a solo journey, completely unique to each of us. There’s no standard template that fits all of our healing processes. We feel what we feel. We progress as we progress. It’s not appropriate or helpful for anyone, including yourself, to judge your healing process.

My mentor pushed the exact button I needed to heal.

Sometimes I stand out. I’ve never felt the same as any group I’ve been in. Out of sync with most people around me. The more true I am the more out of sync I become.

She judged me for this. I initially joined her and internally judged myself but as the program went on and I dived deeper and deeper into my healing work I came to another place.

I was completely done with conformity. I would no longer strive for it, and I would no longer allow anyone to try to force me into it.

In the past, every time I tried to conform or even just look like I was conforming, it was an act of self-betrayal. Healing led me to the realization that I would never, ever betray myself again.

She was right. I was out of sync. I am out of sync.

It’s not an act or something I try to do, it just seems to naturally always be the way.

Eventually I couldn’t stand interactions with her anymore. I dreaded our “support sessions.” My shaking body needed a break, my body’s reactions to her energy became almost violent. My system couldn’t calm in her presence.

I gently guided her through the end of our relationship with conversations grounded in kindness. I respectfully ended our “mentorship,” and while she lashed out, I didn’t take the bait.

I’d learned exactly what I needed from her.

In retrospect I see now that ending this relationship marked an emotional and spiritual graduation. I outgrew unhealthy, disempowering relationships. I didn’t need a mirror of my past insecurities anymore, I was ready for someone who was ready to mirror more of me.

I let go of the withering part of me, the part that felt wrong for being different, when I ended my relationship with my mentor.

Others can be in sync.

I transform, I disrupt.

I live in my truth.

What about you?

Reflection Questions

What do you need or want during the holiday season? Is there more of you that you can bring into your festivities? Is there anything you’d like to let go of this year?

What’s different or unique about you? Have you ever been judged or shamed for this? Do you judge or shame yourself for it?

What would it feel like to accept this part of yourself?

What’s genuinely amazing about this uniqueness?

How can you honor that part of you today?